Biofield flower therapy: making homeopathy look sensible.

Update: Dammit, I was Poed. Confession by Quackometer on Facebook, who posted it to Wiki4Cam when it still accepted editors.

Biofield flower therapy[1] is based on homeopathy, but is actually stupider. It was supposedly first perpetrated by the late Professor Dr Helmut Meyl from the Institute of Biophysical Naturopathic Programming in Düsseldorf, Germany.[2]

The therapy seeks to use vibrational[3] patterns inherent within flowering plants to restore biological information transfer within human systems. The modern theory is based on the knowledge[4] that scalar waves[5] within cells can suffer quantum interference from toxins.[6] The practitioner maps the human biofield[7] and matches the frequency of vibration in the biofield[8] and corrects irregularities by application of a suitable combination of biofield flower remedies.

To prepare the remedies:

Montana Pure Schnapps Fruit/Spirit Glass
Issh medishnal, inn’t.
  1. Harvest the plants[9] at night, so that their vibrations are not exaggerated by thermal electromagnetic disturbances.[10]
  2. Soak the petals in schnapps for six months.
  3. Strain the schnapps through silk.
  4. Swallow the schnapps whilst holding a vial of distilled water.[11] This only works for a trained practitioner!
  5. Drip the water onto lactose pills, which the patient then consumes.

Alternately, the practitioner may put one drop of the schnapps under the patient’s tongue and one on their brow.

Practitioners hold that biophotons[12] are captured by the sugar pills, and may[13] transmit the essential photonic vibrational patterns[14] to the light-emitting DNA receptors[15] in damaged cells. At this point you have filled every square on your alternative medicine bingo card.

Researches into the effectiveness of biofield flower therapy are in their “infancy”,[2] apparently even by alternative medicine standards.

It was probably useful in giving Professor Doctor Meyl an excuse to drink more schnapps.

  1. Not “Blofeld,” though that would be much cooler.
  2. 2.0 2.1 Biofield Flower Therapyimg from wiki4cam. There is no evidence on the Web other than this for the existence of Prof Dr Meyl, nor the Institute. But this was too deliciously weird to pass up.
  3. What is vibrating is not made clear.
  4. Evidently an obscure definition of the word that you were previously unaware of.
  5. “Scalar wave” is the new “quantum“.
  6. Jana Dixon 2006. “Time.” Biology of Kundalini.
  7. Speakers (Quantum Energy Medicine Conference, 2008)
  8. Whatever that actually is.
  9. Naturally growing, of course.
  10. Whatever they actually are.
  11. You read that right. Go back and read it again.
  12. Bischof, Marco 1995. Biophotonen: Das Licht in unseren Zellen. English summary. There is actually such a thing as a biophoton, but its magical powers are another matter. The Wikipedia article is such a woo-riddled disaster that even the skeptics threw up their hands and abandoned it.
  13. I say “may.”
  14. Whatever they actually are.
  15. A sensory receptor hitherto unknown to human anatomy, let alone biology.

Adapted from Biofield flower therapy on Reproducible under Creative Commons by-sa 3.0.

6 thoughts on “Biofield flower therapy: making homeopathy look sensible.”

  1. Ohh, I know this one I think!! Somebody once tried to use this on me to cure my then-not-properly-diagnosed genetic conditions. At the time I still let people try to “heal” them with alt med as long as it didn’t actually cost me any money, as I figured I wasn’t risking much … she was most put out to find that my disability did not spontaneously reverse in the face of her unshakeable belief in her remedies :(.

    Eventually I figured out that although I was not shelling out money, the emotional rollercoaster of “maybe this will help …. no, it really doesn’t” was a significant cost and the science was not actually nearly as vague as my Steiner/Waldorf school upbringing had lead me to believe. I won’t say I stick to evidence based medicine now because there is almost no relevant evidence to go with the bizarre mix of conditions I have, but I stick to things that at least have a scientifically plausible mode of action!

  2. So the practitioner downs a shot of schnapps while the hapless paying customer gets sugared water (or watered sugar, depending). Sounds like a good deal for the practitioner…

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